"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" ~J. Gray

Throughout the time leading up to the surgery, it was intriguing to hear people’s reactions. Responses were largely positive and supportive and I am grateful for that. I’m sure there were people who had negative opinions about my decision but they chose to keep them to themselves and I am appreciative. There was, however, a trend that I found noteworthy: the difference between the reactions by gender.

Women, for the most part, were openly supportive. Whether I know them well or not, whether I count them among my close friends and family or simply keep tabs via social media, women came out and embraced me. They cheered me on Facebook. They emailed, called, texted, sent cards. They became friends with each other in an effort to support me. Their messages were public and empowering. They rallied around me in a big, estrogen-powered, sisterly love fest. When it was time for the “Last Chance to Dance” event – my last Saturday night out before the surgery – many of them came out and shook their groove thangs. We hugged, and acted silly, and took pictures, said “I love you’s”, and even cried a little.  It.was.awesome.

Men, on the other hand, were quieter in their support. Far fewer of them brought it up. My closest “brothers” stood by my side. They private messaged me. They “liked” my statuses. They said things like, “You know, I think you’re fine just the way you are.” While their support was different, it was felt just as strongly. Even they came out to Last Chance to Dance. They drank beer and took pictures and held purses. It was awesome too.

Why the difference? As women, we talk about our weight all the time. ALL.THE.TIME. We do. It’s part of our culture. So, when I invited my girls to talk about it, it was a natural thing to do. Poor men. All their lives they have been very confused about how to talk to a woman about her weight. So here I was saying, “I’m fat” and they were like, “No you’re not…wait, yes, you are…aw shit…” I’m sure there were some men (and probably some women) who were thinking, “Yeah Kristie, you do need to lose weight. It’s about time you did something about that” and just didn’t want to be that blunt. It’s okay. I can take it.

I don’t have kids but many of you do. What messages are you sending them about weight and body image? What messages are we as a society sending them? Hmmm…deep thoughts on a cold December day…

"It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine." ~REM

And, just like that, it’s over. I was told to report to the Cleveland Clinic at 11:30 AM on Wednesday, December 19, which meant my surgery was expected to start by 1:30. My parents and my sister accompanied me. Things got delayed and my surgery didn’t start until about 3:30. I eventually made it to my room around 9:30 PM. I wasn’t bothered by any of this but I felt bad for my family members who had come to the hospital with me. It was a long, stressful day for them.

All of the rooms on the bariatric floor are private rooms so I didn’t have a roommate which was nice. I experienced the worst of the pain in the recovery room but I had a self-administered morphine pump and the nurse also gave me extra doses until the pain was under control. Otherwise, there was just a lot of soreness and discomfort. While they wanted me to get up and walk as soon as possible, it was difficult to do so due to all of the wires coming out of me. Additionally, most bariatric patients are much larger than me so my hospital gown was way too big and kept falling off, exposing bits I didn’t want exposed ;)  Nonetheless, I made my first walking trip up and down the hallway around 11 PM on the night of surgery. At this point I was not allowed to eat or drink anything, not even water or ice chips. I did have a sponge with which I could wet the inside of my mouth. I will admit to cheating and squeezing the water into my mouth and swallowing it. My throat was so dry!

I spent two nights in the hospital then was permitted to go home once the doctors felt my pain was managed, I was mobile, and I could drink enough to maintain hydration. One by one, the wires were removed and I was introduced to ice chips, water, apple and grape juice diluted with water, jello, and decaffeinated tea. I was so thirsty that I wanted to gulp everything down but I had to force myself to take small, slow sips. Just a tiny bit of anything made me feel stuffed. I drank as much as I could and made as many trips up and down the hallway to show the doctors I was ready to go home.

Finally, on Friday evening, I was discharged. Of course it was at rush hour and the roads were bad but, hey, I was on morphine, so I didn’t mind the extra-long ride home. My mom, sister, and niece, Rachel, spent the first night with me. It was uneventful.

So the surgery was over and you expect that’s the hardest part of it. Actually, it was probably the easiest part. The worst part so far has been this incredible feeling of fullness. I feel like I have eaten a seven course meal, all the time. This feeling never goes away. I have to force myself to eat, which is still just liquids, and drink, and sometimes it seems an impossible task to get in as much as I need each day. It is so uncomfortable. I would really just like to fast forward to about a month from now when I expect things to be much closer to my new normal.

The happiest part of all of this is the lives that I have touched. To date, three people I know have taken steps to investigate weight loss surgery (i.e. connected with doctors) and several others have expressed an interest in learning more about it. I am so excited for them to get healthy with me and I can’t wait to follow their stories too!

"Friends are honest with each other, even if the truth hurts." ~S. Dessen

So, are you ready for the numbers? I had several pre-op appointments yesterday and I was a bit surprised to learn that I have lost 18 pounds since I began meeting with the dietitian on August 8. On that date, I weighed 266 pounds. I had just been forced to purchase 2 new pairs of size 22 pants for work because everything else was too tight. Yesterday I weighed 248 pounds and I haven't been able to wear those 2 pairs of pants for several weeks. I have settled back into my comfortable size 20 pants and they are getting loose too. Now, telling you all of that was hard. It was the hardest thing I've posted in this blog so far and, as I typed it, I felt my heart begin to race and my temperature went up a few notches. In my head, I asked myself, "Are you actually going to post this?" Yes. I said I would and I am. Even the 266 pounds in August is not the heaviest I've ever been. During the darkest part of my marriage, just before I got fed up enough to file for divorce, I weighed 285 pounds. Like I said, it's been a lifelong struggle.

I have not set a goal weight. I have no idea how to do that. I keep saying that I'll know when I get there. I just know I want to get below 200 pounds and stay there. I had a great IM conversation with my cousin the other day and we discussed being able to ride a roller coaster. Normal sized people don't have to worry about that but, when you're overweight, the seat belts don't always fit. Same thing with airplanes. You can ask for a seat belt extension but that's embarrassing. I want to ride in roller coasters and airplanes without fear of seat belts not fitting around my middle. I want to weigh less than the men I date. And, I don't want to buy plus-size clothing ever again. When I can do all of those things, then I think I will be at or near my goal weight.

There are just five days to go until the surgery...I have a hard time wrapping my head around that...five days. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...that's it. I've had all this time to get ready and there's still so much left to do. I have a shopping list of "stuff": three prescriptions from the doctor, so I have them ready when I get home; general household things like toothpaste and dog food that I don't want to have to ask my caregivers to run out and pick up for me; last minute holiday items; food for a clear liquid diet I have to convert to on Monday evening that I didn't find out about until yesterday; etc. Then I have a "to-do" list: laundry, clean house, finish tasks at work, see friends on Saturday, massage on Sunday, download books to my Kindle, pack my overnight bag, etc.

I won't know until Tuesday what time the surgery will be on Wednesday and that is completely messing with my OCD and my mom's OCD. We want to have all of the details planned out about where everyone will stay the night before (my house or my sister's house), what time we will leave for the hospital, and who will drive but we just can't do that yet and it's making us both mad. AND my mom is threatening to spend the night in the hospital with me. You can imagine how I feel about that. My dear, sweet friend Mary has begged me to cut my mom some slack. I'm trying, Mary, I really am, but she's still not staying!

"Shake it up." ~ R. Ocasek

Several people have contacted me to ask about the protein shakes I am drinking during the liquid diet. They are not anything special, meaning I didn't get them from the doctor or with a prescription or anything. They are the same shakes I have been drinking for breakfast for several months. The dietitian gave me criteria that I needed to follow for choosing a protein drink and she also gave me a list of suggested drinks to try. The rules are that they should have less than 200 calories, less than 30 grams of carbs, and at least 15 grams of protein. I have two that I like best: Atkins Advantage (11 oz.) and EAS AdvantEdge (11 oz.). Others on her list were:

Slim Fast Low Carb Diet (11 oz.)
Glucerna (8 oz.)
Nestle Carnation Instant Breakfast No Sugar Added (1 packet w/ 1 cup of Skim Milk)
Isopure Zero Carb (20 oz.)
Optisource High Protein Drink (8 oz.)
Boost Glucose Control (8 oz.)
Pro Performance 100% Whey Protein (1 scoop)
Designer Whey Protein Powder (1 scoop)

In addition to the two I mentioned that I like, I also tried (and liked) the Slim Fast drink but it tends to be slightly more expensive. I have been able to find all three at my local grocery stores and department stores. Luckily, I can also usually find the Atkins and EAS shakes at Sam's Club where I can buy 12 or 24 packs, instead of the small 4 or 8 packs they sell at the other stores.

The shakes, however, are not why I am not hungry. And, I'm not physically hungry at all. For several months, I have been taking a drug called Topamax as a migraine preventive. Topamax is also used to treat epilepsy, seizure disorders,  neuropathy, and OBESITY. The medicine acts as an appetite suppressant. It also makes some foods and/or drinks taste funny. For example, anything carbonated tastes flat, which has been very helpful since I had to stop drinking pop. I would never advocate for taking unnecessary medication but, if you have been struggling with weight loss, you may want to discuss Topamax with your doctor. I am amazed at how effective it is as an appetite suppressant.

12 more sleeps...

"You were always on my mind." ~ W. Nelson*

It is amazing how often throughout the day that I think about food. Last night I was watching TV and a commercial came on for Burger King, celebrating the 55^th anniversary of the Whopper. If you buy any Whopper, between December 6 and 9, you get an Original Whopper for 55 cents. I made a mental note and then scratched that mental note because I was starting my liquid diet today.

As soon as I got to work this morning, I busied myself with ridding my office of snacks. I gave away my chocolate pudding cups and my applesauce. I gave my colleague a can of soup, a sleeve of saltines, and a Reese’s Cup. I stowed my protein shakes and sugar free jello in the fridge and got to work and, although I wasn’t hungry, I thought about food all day.

On the drive home, I pass a lot of food establishments, one of them being a Zeppe’s Pizzeria. I have never, ever eaten at a Zeppe’s Pizzeria. Today, as I drove by, I thought, “I’ll have to try that place.” TODAY, of all days. Really? Sure. I’ll just put a trip to Zeppe’s on my calendar for, let’s say…April, 2013. Good grief.

I do find it very funny that food is ever present in my thoughts although I am not hungry in the least. I have had three chocolate protein shakes today, so far, and a cup of sugar free raspberry jello, along with water and decaf iced tea sweetened with artificial sweetener. I will have another protein shake this evening and, if I like, some more jello or sugar free popsicles – AS MANY AS I LIKE. Jealous?

Two weeks from today I will be recovering in my hospital room and hopefully planning to go home the next day. I hope every day until then continues to be as easy as today.

*disclaimer: The title of this post is a lyric from the song "Always on My Mind". Willie Nelson is not the songwriter, nor is he the original artist but, in my mind and opinion, his version is the most famous (and my favorite) and I chose to attribute the quote to him. The accurate information about the song can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Always_on_My_Mind

"Planning is everything." ~ D. Eisenhower

After many months of planning for and thinking about surgery, things are starting to happen and this is getting real. Last week, the scheduler from the Cleveland Clinic called to let me know that my SEVEN pre-op appointments had been scheduled: a half day on December 13 and another half day on December 17. I am scheduled to have blood drawn in the lab, do something on the Healthquest computer program, meet with the nurse, meet with the surgeon, meet with another doctor who works with the surgeon, meet with the anesthesiologist, and then meet with admitting. My post-op appointments have also been scheduled through March, 2013. Additionally, I have already completed the pre-registration for my hospital admission online. Whew.

This Wednesday I begin the pre-surgery liquid diet. I am actually excited for this. I have been slowly saying my farewells to food over the last week or so. It’ll be about 2 months before I can eat regular solid food again and then I will have to reintroduce foods into my diet slowly and my eating style will change dramatically. So, as I type this, I am eating chocolate covered pretzels :) See ya later chocolate covered pretzels. My dear friend Mary Anderson asked me to go to dinner tomorrow – my Last Supper - and told me to choose where I would like to go. I chose Red Lobster. Several members of the high school Guidance Department will join us and I plan to say my farewells to crab legs and cheddar biscuits.

My friend David had his surgery last Tuesday. He went home on Friday and is doing very well. The texts I received from him while he was on pain meds were hilarious! More importantly though, I have been able to ask him all sorts of questions. He had some pain the first few days but is now up and walking around. He weighed himself for the first time today and he has lost 18 pounds…since last Tuesday…damn… I am so proud of him and I am glad we took this journey together.

So, now I’m working on getting all of my ducks in a row. My parents will arrive shortly before the day of surgery (they live out of state, in case you didn’t know). My nieces, ages 19 and 21, are preparing to provide dog sitting services while I’m in the hospital and post-op care when I come home. I am making my shopping list so the kitchen is stocked with the appropriate foods for my post-op liquid diet. And, in the unlikely case of complications with the surgery, I am, this week, preparing paperwork naming my sister, a nurse, as my health care power of attorney. Should I become incapable of making medical decisions for myself, she will make them on my behalf. I don’t foresee this happening but it’s the responsible thing to do.

Just because people continue to ask…Yes, I’m still sure I want to do this. No, I’m not scared. Sure, you can have my clothes when they don’t fit anymore ;)